Well that took a effort… by that I mean getting the dust of my laptop.
I think this post is long long over due. I can only pray it helps someone else today.
Honestly I had started to think that maybe God had called me to this writing malarkey and then taken it from me again because I didn’t live up to the mark or some lack of spiritual development or maybe i was just darn right ungrateful for my blessings.
See the rubbish I talk myself in and out of on a daily basis is ridiculous !
So firstly if you have similar kinda thoughts one you are not alone. Two they are probably not from God. And the Bible tells us to fix our thoughts on those above right??
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
Philippians 4:8 NLT
So back to my update. Last July as many of you will know, I packed up my life as I knew it and moved towns.. not a million miles in fact probably only 30 or so miles but my life took a complete overhaul. Literally overnight I went from the comfort and safety of my Cosy church community bubble that my whole life revolves around. Where I was well looked after, well loved, cared for provided for, safe, secure. I had valuable trusted friendships, safe godly connection. I knew mums at the school. I knew the people in the shops I visited, I knew the lay of the land all the roads all the shortcuts, I knew where was the best place to get my eyebrows, nails hair done, I knew where I was guaranteed a good meal. I could go out for a walk and almost always bump into someone or have a horn toot and a friendly wave. I was very comfortable.
But really is it any surprise when you beg God your entire Christian life to use, use use you that he wasn’t gonna let you stay in the comfort zone forever??
For about 18 months previous to the move I had felt God stirring my heart and I felt I was being prepared for some kind of change. Then suddenly in the space of a month the decision was made I was moved. Don’t get me wrong I saw God hand move and watched as one miraculous provision after another was made in my favour. People came out of the wood work to bend over backwards to love on me and help me get settled. I was truly amazed at the physical evidence of Gods unfailing love and provision for me and my boys.
Talking of my boys, I had to leave my eldest behind. (Sad face) He had a whole life going on a job he loves, his Dad and well it wasn’t his season to move. So that wasn’t easy but its all part of the journey of stewards to our children, they aren’t ours to control only to steward for a little time and trust God with the rest ( whole other blog) and like I said we are only 30 miles away.
So here I am all moved into my beautiful new home, the kids in their new schools settling down and making friends, thriving like champions, ( p.s kids are so adaptable! We fuss a lot more than necessary in this area as parents don’t we?) I’ve a new job and learning the ropes in my new role. A new church, making new connections. I’ve my parents and siblings round the corner for the first time in my adult life. My boys and I growing our relationships with our family. Which we all love. I was getting regular home cooked meals at the parentals. I had help, when I needed the boys picked up or HOME SCHOOLED ( thank you sister) It was all so blessed and beautiful. It was all positive.
But change is a funny old thing.
Even when life is truly blessed and beautiful and God is revealing more and more of his plan for your life. Change is a process and it can cause all these different emotions that we don’t fully understand. You can feel sad, you can have doubt, fear, it can just leave a big gaping hole you don’t even understand why.
Suddenly I started getting lost, like physically even though I thought I knew the area I grew up in. I started making wrong turns, I didn’t know a good chippy, or what Chinese served the best crispy duck pancakes. Or the best parking spaces, Nobody tooted the horn when I was out walking and I didn’t know the people in the corner shop. Everything required a lot more effort. First world problems Terri eh??
NOT forgetting we are in the middle of a flipping pandemic here also, So absolutely nothing resembles normality and we have social distance and mask wearing making everyone even more distant and unfriendly.
Then I started getting lost mentally. I got sad and lonely and to be honest I probably started distancing myself from God. My sadness caused a lack of interest. I got tired and lazy and uninterested even after witnessing Gods miraculous provision I started to doubt I had made a good move. ( starting to sound like the ungrateful brats In the wilderness moaning about their free cucumbers ) Even though I knew the benefits of my move far outweighed the bad I still questioned what I had done. I saw my old community live on without me through the not so wonderful world of social media and I got jealous. I got envious of relationships, friendship groups bonding and growing with out me. The green eyed goblin appeared she is never ever pretty.
My thoughts became very FAR from those thoughts from above. What went wrong?? Why couldn’t I just be happy and grateful? Embrace this new very evident blessing?! Even my boys had managed a better job than me…
Just another thing I fail at.. as I beat myself up again.
I’m not looking sympathy, I share this because, well….
I don’t think I’m alone. Even if it isn’t a complete overhaul. Maybe its a new…. Baby, Marriage, Ministry, job, house, whatever circumstances have changed.
I want to say. Its ok to feel a bit weird by the whole change thing. Even good decisions can cause sadness. Doesn’t mean you need to go running back to the old. Life doesn’t work in reverse.
But what I would say is acknowledge it! We as in our culture today and especially here in Northern Ireland have an awful habit of putting on a brave face. Don’t dare show emotions that are not fitting with your circumstances. Good vibes only! Live Love laugh.. all good and I absolutely encourage but not at the cost of your soul slowly dying within. Let’s not fake it, Let’s fix it!
I’m not in anyway encouraging a pity party but call it for what it is.. be honest about what this is being sad or missing something doesn’t mean you want it back it just means the missing makes you sad. Thats ok! When you acknowledge that. Then you can ask God for his help with feeling that way.
I read one time about the little foxes that come in the night.
The Bible says this.
“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!” Song of Songs 2:15 NLT
Those little foxes are maybe the thoughts and feelings in your heart your afraid to acknowledge incase you could sound ungrateful, stupid, silly, spoilt or unchristlike.
But the thing is.. these little foxes are stealing your fruit
“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT
They come in the night and are kept in the dark usually you don’t notice until you have no fruit left. At all because let’s face it. Who really notices one fruit missing. It not usually until it’s all gone we acknowledge… Hey! where’s my joy at? Why am I angry. Why did I lose my temper? I just can’t help myself, I’ve no patience for that anymore. I just can’t bring myself to love them.. then you know.. the foxes have been and done a number on you!
So this long winded post is simple to say.
Call it out!
Ask God to help you address it
And…., if you are really really brave.. tell your safe friend and let them love on you. While your sad!
Or you could write a blog and let the whole world know…. Kidding It took me a year to fully acknowledge this and there has been plenty of fruit stolen, tears, tantrums, ugly thoughts in that time. However the real awesome thing is because all the good fruit comes from the spirit we can ask for more.
And if you can’t yet put your finger on it! Here’s a little daily prayer, I feel helps keep the foxes at bay.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”
Psalms 139:23-24 NLT